Dealing with Aging Parents - Funerals - Part 1

Discussing a funeral with your parents is tough. It’s admitting out loud what we already know – that we’ll have one someday, We did this at the recommendation of hospital staff when mom had her lengthy stay. I had no idea how to plan one. I’ll use my usual format of throwing out some issues we encountered and how we dealt with them

• Discuss with each parent what they want done.  Do you they want to have the funeral at the funeral home or another location (their home church congregation for example)?  How do they want the funeral conducted? Mom wanted to allow the opportunity for her friends and family to be able to get up and say a few words about their memories of her.   So that’s what we did.
• Write all of that down.  Make your siblings read it and even sign it so everybody totally understands what the person’s wishes are and how the service will be conducted so there are no disagreements and arguments when everybody is emotional.   And I won’t say any more about that.
• Plan, plan, plan.  The funeral home you choose can give a list of packages and how much they cost.  Talk to the people that will lead singing, speak, be a pallbearer, etc. and make sure they are OK with that. Have your parents go ahead and buy the funeral plots if they can.  Go ahead and find any pictures, keepsakes etc  that you want to display.  Finally (and this sounds really macabre), go ahead and write out an obituary and have several people read it.  You’d be surprised at what you might not remember (name spellings and the like) when you are in sorrow over someone’s death.  It also makes thing go more smoothly when you are arranging everything with the funeral director to simply hand them an already written obituary.

Now let’s talk about the funeral itself.  Most funeral homes offer packages that include most everything you need (that costs between 4000 and 5000).  If you know what funeral home will be used, ask them to send you this info beforehand.   Read over that carefully and ask all the questions you want.  There are several things that are not included in that package.  The first one (and usually the most costly) is the casket.  I was surprised to find that the funeral home we used has a “casket room” where the caskets are on display.  I almost laughed to see they were arranged in the classic style of any sales layout.  The most expensive ones (the nice wood ones) were in the front and the more inexpensive ones were in the back.    We got a nice inexpensive casket each time for my parents, but even these will run you 2500 to 3000.  You should also check with the cemetery where the burial plots are to see if they require a vault for the casket.  If they do, that is another 1500.  You also have to pay to have the grave dug and recovered for about 400 to 500.  You may want to buy flowers and a “spray” to go over the casket which will cost 300 to 500.  Finally, it is customary to pay the main speaker at the service something.  The total funeral cost is easily between 7500 and 10000 dollars.

In my next post, I'll discuss what actually happens when you meet with the funeral director.